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My Little Blessing in Disguise

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June 8th, 2011

03:54 pm - i've moved :)
i've moved my journal here: http://ariannamadelyn.blogspot.com

i like the layout, the way it works, the set up in general a lot more over there.

i can't figure out how to export these entries to that blog - i think the main glitch being that they are posted to two different websites completely. who knew? hahaha. so, for now, i'm leaving these entries here, and redirecting you there.


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June 3rd, 2011

08:00 am
survived my first "do you have kids?" encounter. i'm lucky to have only had this one in seven months. but i know there are more to come. it's only a natural question: most people think, you either do or you don't. you got pregnant, so you either have a child in your care or you had an abortion. no one really considers adoption, as if it's not really there. i feel like it's still so taboo. of course i've read, and read, and read some more so i am pretty well versed in it - or as well as i can be. it's such a huge part of my life now, that i almost find it strange that more people don't "think" of it. not that they would when asking me if i have children obviously, but, i don't know.

a client came into work and she was showing me pictures on her cell phone of her one-year-old grand daughter. i held it together and gave her the generic "aw, she's adorable" (which, she in fact, was). i kept making feeble attempts to change the subject, to no avail. i knew it was coming. she said so nonchalantly (as she would, why wouldn't she?) "you got kids?" so i simply said "yes." yes is a lie, no is a lie. yes i have a daughter, but is she with me? no, she is someone else's now. but if i say no, i do not have any children...that means, no, i was not pregnant, no, i did not give birth, no, there is not a little person out there sharing half my DNA. she is her parents in a way that she will never be mine. i will never RAISE her. but she is mine in a way that she will never be theirs in that they did not CREATE her. who deserves the title of "mother" more? personally, i believe it's equal, and that's how i choose to look at it. the title of "mommy," on the other hand - that is entirely hers.

anyways, as always, the follow up question was, "how old?" and i replied, "seven months today." she said "any pictures?" so i showed her one on my phone. i got the usual response: "wow, LOOK at that HAIR!!" i've been hearing it since the very day she was born. she did have a lot of hair and definitely does have even more now. the doctors kept telling me it'd fall out but it hasn't and evidently won't. :)

okay, gotta finish getting ready for work now. i just needed to talk and no one's awake, so here i came.

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June 1st, 2011

10:19 pm
wow, it's been a while. my hard drive crashed so i have been sans laptop since last tuesday.

i don't have much time at the moment because i have to work tomorrow 7 - 4:30, and then go to class from 6 - 10. so i need my beauty rest! ;)

also hard to believe tomorrow is the 2nd. so hard to believe my baby will be seven months old in 9 hours. i'm so happy she's here, healthy, and most importantly happy...but i'm so sad that i haven't seen her in over half a year...

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May 25th, 2011

12:06 pm
i graduated high school five years ago today! wow. i can't believe it.
i feel like i haven't done much to show for it, but at least i'm trying. i'm back in school after taking a year and a half off, and i'm working my butt off to be finished by december. well, finished with my degree. from there, who knows if i'll continue on or not...i feel like i need to, but you never know what can come up and what opportunities i may take.
if you told me on this day in 2006 that in five years i would have a beautiful baby girl, i would not have believed it.
if you told me on this day in 2006 that my baby girl would not be 'mine' anymore, and would have a new mommy and daddy, i would not have believed that, either.
but i am starting to come around to the idea of all of this and believe that it truly did happen for a reason. i have always had my own reasons for thinking that, as did her father, but some things that her adoptive mom said to me in an email two nights ago really have me thinking. i love her mom SO much. it's crazy to say you love someone who you don't really know, who you've only met a few times...but this is not the normal situation, this woman is raising my daughter. raising her to have such a beautiful life. i am confident that i will be a part of it again someday, and for now, i am just trying to stay as happy as i can. don't get me wrong. i am happy about this, i could not be happier with her parents or the life she is already headed for. we could not have chosen a better couple or family to raise our baby, and for that i am truly grateful. but i do wish she were here with me right now, as i speak. i wish she were lying in her crib taking a nap and i was just taking a quick break to go on the laptop for a few minutes. i know that's not the case, but sometimes my heart still yearns for it.
i can't help but get jealous at times when i read things my little girl's mom writes. like when she says innocent things, like how she lets little emilie sleep in her big girl crib during the day, but keeps her in her room with her at night just to be able to check on her, because the "good thing about being a mom is being able to keep your children close," i can't help but feel a quick pang of anger and jealousy. i'm a mother, but my child is not close. not in the least. close to my heart, yes, of course, but not close to me physically. maybe she never will be. who knows? it's all in her hands.
i shared the email with her father and he too got upset. he got to the part where C said "she truly is the apple of her dad's eye and he cherishes every moment with her," he said he wanted to stop reading it and finish it later. i told him that the way i look at it, when i get jealous, is to think that these are GOOD things! this means that they love our little girl JUST as much as we do. if not more! i believe that he and i love her in ways that they can't, but they love her in just as many ways that we can't. most importantly they love her as their own, because she is their own now. and while that is so hard for me to say, even to myself, i know it's a good thing. would i want my baby to have parents that didn't care about her because biologically she wasn't theirs? no. of course not. so i need to stop complaining when her adoptive parents show signs of just how much they cherish her. that is exactly what i wanted for her, it's just hard for me to come to terms with.

so, right, now, i am happy. i miss my little girl more than words can say, but i feel a new sense of peace right now. i just hope it lasts. but, i think this may be my most positive entry since october 12, 2010. :)

my baby is getting so big! she will be 7 months on june 2nd. so crazy!! she sits up completely on her own now and apparently she has for a while. she already grabs onto things and grasps them and puts them straight into her mouth...haha! i am told that she hates "tummy time" and it only lasts about five minutes before she starts wailing, and they suspect she will not crawl but go straight to walking, because when they hold her up she will start to take a few primary steps ALREADY. i'm so proud of my little munchkin :) and she loves any and all kinds of her baby food, her favorites being peaches, apples, and strawberries. oh i just love her so much <3

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May 18th, 2011

08:19 pm - A quick post about Em's birthdad
someone asked me if my daughter's biological father is involved and/or takes part in any of this with me. the answer is yes, he is actually a lot more involved that I had anticipated. don't get me wrong, i love the fact that he wants to 'be there,' it's just a bit of a surprise. initially, when i first found out i was pregnant, his reaction was one of shock, just as mine was. he told me he didn't want to name the baby, he didn't want to see her or hold her, and he wanted me to make all the arrangements *if* i were to give her up. he said it would be too hard on him to meet her and spend time with her and then say goodbye. initially, he actually didn't agree with the idea of adoption at all. he told me if i chose to parent, he was behind me 100% and was "on my side either way." he said he would be there for me and her and help out in any way he could, financially and just by having his presence in her life.

the thing about us was, we had known each other for four years, and had been involved romantically for over three. we were in love, we were best friends, yet argued at least once a week. not little arguments, either...fights. we protected one another like a big sibling would do, but hurt each other the way enemies do. so for him to say he would be there for me and for my daughter if i kept her was not a surprise; but also, his saying that he didn't want to be involved with the adoption process was not a surprise, either.

he came around, actually talked to me on the phone every morning and night to see how i was doing, and just to talk. (which we did every night for over three years, anyway, just this time, it was about something so much more serious than what color he was going to paint his car) he really was there for me. i fault him for a lot of things, i disagree with a lot of things he has done and is doing not only to me but in his own life (i.e. not telling his own mother about her grand daughter!) but at the end of the day, he did what was right by me and his daughter (for the most part.)

he came over and looked at prospective families with me, talked about it with me, went to the counseling sessions with me, met her new family with me, and came to the hospital to see her both days that i was there. and although he wasn't actually there when she was born, which he and i both regret now, he was on the phone with me and/or texting me the entire time i was in labor. i remember going in on halloween and staying the night and the entire day of the 1st. i remember, on both of those days, him saying he could come up to the hospital at noon when he got out of work or he could come by later that night, even though i didn't want him in the room and he didn't want to be in the room, but looking back on it, i wish he had been there when his little girl entered the world.

i am grateful for him in that respect, because out of curiosity i googled something the other day and came across a wikipedia article that stated: "No disrespect is intended toward birth fathers in only discussing openness with birth mothers above. The reality, however, is that few birth fathers elect to take a role in adoption, given the fact the pregnancies were usually unplanned, and often there was no long-term relationship with the birth mother. For those few birth fathers who volunteer to take a helpful and active role in creating the adoption situation for the adopting parents, the potential benefits to a continuing relationship with the birth father can be just as viable as with a birth mother." i am thankful that i didn't have to make this decision 100% on my own. his input ultimately didn't make or break my decision, but knowing he had my back in some way, helped.

i called him late last night because i had a really, really bad nightmare. i can only remember bits and pieces of it now and if i were to try to articulate it, it wouldn't even sound strange in the least. but the way i felt, was chilling. i woke up at 1:30 a.m. in a cold sweat and didn't know of anyone else who would be awake, so i called him. he didn't answer, and called back twice about a half hour later, but i must have already gone back to sleep. i called him in the morning and left a message, saying i just had a bad dream and was very shaken up, and i just wanted someone to talk to to calm me down. he called back a couple hours later, and said that he was so worried all night and morning that something was wrong with emilie. he said he knew that he and i agreed to only talk if it was about the baby, so when he saw my call, he thought something had happened. i felt bad for worrying him, but appreciated his concern, in a way. we talked for a while (a while being 76 and a half minutes), about everything having to do with our daughter...and us. he said he hoped i was dealing with everything as okay as i could be, and that he had okay days and really, really bad days. he said the 16th of may was a really rough day for him because it was 6 months to the day that he had signed emilie's relinquishment papers. he was choking up as he was talking about it, which made me start to cry, too.

i asked him if, before the adoption is legally finalized in court (before her birth certificate is changed), did he want to take part in any sort of signed contract regarding the level of openness, in case anything were to ever happen to me? because as it stands right now, i have built a relationship with my baby's adoptive parents, but he has not, not really anyway. he has met them and talked at length with them, but its understood by he and i and also them, that they direct the emails and mailed things to me, and i give them to him. he said he'd like to leave it the way it is now, because if anything were to happen, he knows he can go to the agency and ask the woman there to give the family his email address, instead. and he said that "as twisted as it sounds, i like the pictures better coming from your hands, and if i build communication with the family right now, then there's no reason for me to talk to you again. and i'm not ready to let that go yet, it's too soon for me and i'm not ready to let go of you yet." which broke my heart. it's so hard to know someone's no good for you - over half of our relationship was spent arguing, and for a dozen other reasons, our relationship was a dead end - and still love them to death. i thank my daughter for helping me to realize that. it's strange to say that i'm glad we broke it off because of our baby...normally girls are praying for the opposite. but she was like a reality check for me, to realize that if i was going to do better for her, i needed to do better for me, too, and get out of that relationship.

so, i just wanted to write a little (long) blurb about him. i find myself generally complaining about something he said or did on here, so i thought i would say shed a more positive light on him. i love him, i think i always will, but not necessarily in a romantic way. he will always have a piece of my heart, because of our little girl. i have forgiven him for the ways in which he's wronged me but i have also recognized that i took part in it as well. he caused me a lot of stress and gave me a lot of heartache, but on november 2, he also gave me the greatest gift i have ever been blessed with.

goodnight, for now :)

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05:26 pm
This is just a slideshow I made of photos of my little princess, from the day she was born up until 6 months! <3

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May 16th, 2011

04:18 pm - <3
Lilypie First Birthday tickers

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May 14th, 2011

06:58 pm
i don't think i ever said this, but my mom and dad got me a Chamilia bracelet for mother's day, with Emilie's birthstone on it and a swavorski crystal bead that's all different shades of pink. i am infatuated with it...i absolutely love it. so many clients at work comment on it, telling me how pretty it is and asking me where i got it. sometimes, i just say 'from my mom,' ...other times, i say 'it was a mother's day gift.' i walk a fine line saying that, because the conversation could go one of two ways: they could start asking questions, like how old is your daughter, etc (which are questions i can handle at this point), or they could just say "oh, it's beautiful" (which 99% of them do). i feel so privileged and proud to say i got a gift for mother's day....i am a mother..i don't know, it's still so crazy to say. i still battle with myself over that...am i, or am i not? one day hopefully i'll be more at peace with the answer, whatever it is.

i got so jealous today of a woman who came in. she was very pregnant, maybe 8 or so months, and i frequently find myself feeling jealous of women who are pregnant. i'm in awe that there is a tiny little person inside. i know i sound so juvenile, but i used to look at pregnant women and think "sucks to be you, you're about to push a bowling ball out of a pinhole." but that was my ignorance speaking. how i see it as something so beautiful and incredible. anyways, back to the point. i felt a pang of jealously towards her when i saw her for a few reasons. (1) her husband looked JUST LIKE my daughter's biological father. just like him. i saw him first, and my heart skipped a beat because i thought for a split second that it was him. i felt elated, nervous, and sad all at the same time. then i realized it wasn't him, just in time to see her turn around and see her giant belly, and her big fat diamond on her finger. (2) whenever i see a biracial couple (particularly black and white) i think of me and him, our daughter, and our daughter's adoptive parents, all at once. i know it sounds so crazy, but it's what goes on in this crazy head of mine. and, (3) i just thought of how HAPPY they must be. how happy she is to feel her little boy or girl kick inside her..how she still gets to feel that. it almost made me wish i was pregnant again. ALMOST. (that was just a fleeting thought, of course.) the bottom line is i was extremely jealous and i did not like it. i'm scared i'll feel this way towards pregnant women for the rest of my life. it drives me insane.

on a happier note, i hope to get photos of emilie soon. it's been a while, actually a month to the day...so they should be coming soon :)

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May 11th, 2011

01:19 pm

the 11th is now added to my list of hated days.
i had a dream last night, or rather a nightmare, that gene and i were going to the hospital to visit emilie. but it wasn't a hospital for sick people, it was just a hospital where babies stayed for 6 - 9 months after they were born. it was so odd, but i think i got that time frame from talking to the adoption counselor on monday. she told me that my daughter's adoptive parents haven't gone to court to finalize yet, and that that usually doesn't happen for 6 - 9 months after the day he and i signed the papers. it put all these crazy ideas in my head, like, if they haven't finalized yet, can i get her back? but i know that it's just my emotions talking. she's not a puppy; i can't just "give" her to a couple and then decide i want her back. it's not like that. i created a family by giving her to those amazing people, how could i even think of tearing that apart now? that wouldn't be healthy for them, for me, and mostly not for her. my circumstances still have not changed, i just miss her so much. anyways, in my dream, he and i went to see her because i just wanted to hold her one more time before it all became FINAL. i remember, in the dream, saying over and over "I just want the chance to hold her one more time," and "i just want one more picture of the three of us." it was a bittersweet dream, i remember feeling so excited to see her and then so heartbroken to leave her. i woke up around 4 in the morning with my heart feeling like it had literally been torn in two, and i felt nauseous. then it hit me, and really stung me, actually......it was the 11th, and the 11th is the day i handed my little girl over to C and C. the very last time i fed her, held her, or changed her diaper. that day may have been harder than the day i left the hospital without her, i don't know. i can't believe it's been 6 months since i've touched her soft skin...

don't get me wrong, i don't mean to be all, "poor me," and "feel bad for me," ...it's not like that at all. i'm just being as brutally honest as i can be. i want to look back on this blog in a few months, or a year, or a few years, and see how i really felt. i want to see what progress, if any, i've made. so that's why this is so raw. i feel like all i do is complain and talk about how much i miss my baby, but that's because in reality, i DO miss her, and it does physically hurt. i'm not holding anything back; and i shouldn't have to.

her father and i got in a big fight this past weekend. i don't think i've ever cried so much in my entire life. my eyes were swollen shut and it was hard to breathe. i hate fighting with him about the baby more than anything. part of the reason why we gave her up was so we wouldn't be fighting over her, so she wouldn't be exposed to all the hostility. so, we gave her so much better, and here we are, still stuck fighting. we shouldn't even be speaking, realistically, but sometimes i just want to talk and he is the only person who comes remotely close to knowing how i feel. our fight was over me assuming he had selfish motives for giving our daughter up. i need to let it go. it's in the past, and i'm holding a grudge against him based solely on assumptions and it's not healthy for either of us...especially me. then it progressed to fighting about our relationship, what it was for the past 3 years, what it will be in the future, what it is now....so on and so on. i don't even remember the details of it, it was just bad.

he got me a mother's day card. i didn't want it this weekend, because i didn't intend on even acknowledging that day. it was a tough day, but not as hard as i thought it would have been. i only cried twice. it's just supposed to be such a special day between a mother and her child, and all i kept thinking was how in a few years, my baby will be making cards for her mother.....not me. i think it will always be a hard day. my dream would be if her adoptive family could mail me a card she colored on, or something, just anything...but i don't know if that can or will ever happen. i would love that any day, actually. just a white piece of paper with nonsensical crayon marks all over it, that looks like someone closed their eyes and just threw colors at it...that would be so special to me. the things parents "throw away" because they have 6 million scribbled-on pages and couldn't possibly keep them all. i would cherish that forever :)

whenever i see him to get the card from him, whenever i'm ready, (because i know i'll cry) i'm going to keep it in my keepsake box with emilie's hospital bracelets and little hat and ultrasound pictures in it. it makes me smile that he thought of me...but i can't let my guard down. it's one of the few nice things he's done lately, floating in a sea of a thousand immature/downright mean things he's done.

i didn't meant to write this much, it just all came out. i'm dying for more pictures and an update on how my little princess is doing. but for now, i am so in love with the photos i do have. <3

me and my princess ~ 11.11.10

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May 6th, 2011

06:52 pm

this weekend is going to be hard :/

it's already starting, every client that has come into work for the past few days has said 'have a good mother's day weekend!' not necessarily to me, but just in general. it's weird because i know my little girl will always be part of me, but i just don't feel like a mother. i guess, i did create a life inside me and/or give life to a child which makes me a mother...but i'm not "mommy." :( i'm trying to find happiness in realizing that i gave another woman the ability to celebrate mother's day as MOMMY. but that's hard to accept, too.
i plan to stay in bed all day. haha, no, not really, but i just know i'll probably be even more on edge than usual that day. all the commercials, flowers everywhere, every woman everywhere saying happy mother's day...but i can do it. the hardest part is over - leaving the hospital without my baby. so, i did that, so i can do anything.
i love you, little princess <3

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